Sunday evening, November 21st

I am so tired. Exhausted would be a good word to use, actually. I worked thirty hours from Wed to today, and I have also managed to avoid all of my homework. Which means that tomorrow is going to be a day filled with mountains of monotonous school work. If I could get excited about it, I would. But at this point, I just want the semester to end. It's time for a break. Time for my body to slow down. Time for my brain to only focus on writing and reading for pleasure.

On another note entirely, I deleted my facebook. I decided that I was spending to much time on the computer, and not enough time talking with God. All of those things that keep me from talking to God... it's time to let go of those. And that dream I have of being in love and having my own family, I just have to let it go. God is enough. I just need to learn that.

Facebook has taken up too much of my life.

So today, I said good-bye to it.

I don't want to run, but I don't want to stay here, either. I can't seem to find contentment anywhere I go. I just want to scream.

I just can't do this anymore.

I'm so afraid that I'll never be done with what I have left to do here.

I want to see the WORLD.

I really don't want to complain. I'm in a better place than I have been in years. My whole life, even. School. Work. Friends. God.

But I miss having someone to love. Someone who loves me. Someone to cuddle with. And tell stories. And go on adventures.

Like I said, I don't want to complain. I just hope that I don't have to feel alone forever.

Sunday, November 7th

When I saw this PostSecret I immediately thought of you.

I was devastated when you left. I told myself I would never love again. But you leaving led me to God. And as much as I regret everything that happened, and as much as I wish you would come back to me, everything has changed. I’m not who I was—and neither are you.

I never got a chance to thank you before you left. So this is me thanking you for leaving me broken. Now I know the reason—I have to turn to Him before I can love anyone else, including myself.

EDIT:

I think I love myself now. For the first time in 22 years.

I love Him more, though.

EDIT:

I'd be lying to myself if I ignored the fact that I miss you. But maybe I just miss who you were, and what we had.

Maybe I'm just afraid that no one else will ever love me.

Wednesday November 3rd, 2010

ugh.
Girl in Theology class pissed me off.
We were discussing God as the point of life.
"Oh yeah, come on, how often do YOU think about God in the day?"
"You really don't want to ask me if you're trying to prove a point. Honestly? ALL THE TIME."

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing. Like I'm falling away from Him. I don't talk to Him as much as I should. I don't pray as much as I should. I've been finding excuses to skip church. Excuses to skip Bible Study. Excuses to avoid people that will push me in the right direction.

But at the end of the day, He is still the reason I'm here. The reason I'm alive and the reason I continue to live. He is my purpose, my everything.