Really? Why on the HELL did I commit to living here for three years. THREE. YEARS.

I'm six months down. So only... thirty to go. Fuck.

How am I going to last that many more when I already want to leave?

Britt is out of here in six. And I'll still be here for two after she's gone. I'll be a quarter of a century old before I get to leave.

I want to see the world NOW. I don't want to be in school this long. I want to be in the Peace Corps. Volunteer all over the world. Be with people who have actually suffered and need help. Be with people who don't care about literal objects, but who understand the value of nature, of family, of community.

There is so much more to see. So much more to feel. I want to experience something REAL.

Those days. When you wish the world would die. Or that you could pack up and leave--and never look back.

There is nothing for me here. Besides school. I can't wait to finish, so I can leave.

I'm not going back to where I started. And I'm not coming back here.

I'll find my own Wonderland.

All I want right now is a bottle of vodka and a bottle of narcotics.
I don't even want to be alive anymore.
I want to get so fucked up that I forget how to breathe.

I fucking hate Christmas. I say Merry Christmas and try to be nice because I know that's what God wants. But all the holidays bring is a reminder of how fucked up my family is, and how fucked up my life is.

And now, I have a full month to do nothing but stay in bed and work. Because guess who doesn't have any friends. Okay, that's a lie. Except Chiari doesn't live here, and neither does Katie. Brittany doesn't understand--and even if she did, she won't be around for the next two weeks anyhow.
Tony and Chris are involved in their own situations and the only time they ever want to hang out is when they get sick of me texting them.

If this is what having friends is like, fuck it. At least my dogs pretend they are excited to see me.

give up. keep going. give up. keep going.

the give up in me is taking over. completely. I want to let it.

I really FUCKED it up again.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh, God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

After the storm. Mumford and Sons.



I'm really good at breaking down at the end of the semester. In fact, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that it is one of the things I am best at. I feel like it is already too late for me.

I'm torn between wanting to read my Bible and learning more about God --or finishing the two papers that are due today.

The more I learn about God, the less anything else matters. Only the things God asks of us. My brain is exploding with things and words and ideas, and I can't stop long enough to make coherent sense of anything.

God wants us to have relationships, so I suppose that matters, then. But what about everything else? work, school, THINGS. Too much focus on things, not enough on Him. And I suppose that is what it is like to be human. To hae faults. To not know what to focus on, and even when you learn more, to be torn. I'm not asking to be perfect, mind you. I'm definitely not asking to be God. But to know Him! And to know as much as I can about Him! I have never wanted to learn more in my life before! I have so many questions. So many. I feel like I'm bothering and annoying people by asking them.

I'm typing more quickly than normal, trying to get out everything in my head before it leaves. What is the point of me finishing school? I want to learn about Him! But I don't want to go to a Bible school, where I am forbidden from seeing things that ARE in life on earth. Yes, I understand it may be distracting, but if we are to reach out to Christians and non-Christians alike, then how do we reach them if we do not understand them?

Is this possibly why I have gone through so much in my life? divorce, child abuse, molestation, rape, cutting, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, being abandoned by my mom, divorce, drinking, smoking, drugs, porn, sex, eating disorders, wonderful yet awful relationships, finding that God exists, more hospitalizations, more sex, more alcohol, more pushing Him away and trying to hide from Him.

And then ending up here.

Oh dear God! I write it down, and it is a miracle I am even alive!

It is time, perhaps, that I stop asking questions and turning to others for the answers. It is time that I turned to You.

I don't even know what to say. Words literally escape me. I have to write more when I can think clearly. All I know is that I will never again doubt the Goodness of our AMAZING Father. Tonight, Britt and I witnessed a miracle. Tamika. Tamika will remain in my heart for as long as I live. Tonight, God saved her.

Zamilovávám se do Tebe

I want to say it. In my head, I can't stop the words from forming. And its ridiculous. I barely know him. Maybe it's just the idea of him? Half of me keeps talking me into believing it is the truth, that what I feel is real. And the other half of me is shouting, "It's just an idea! It's not real! There is NO hope! Look at the movies you have seen recently! No one ends up where you think they will!"

I just want every minute leading up to seeing him to speed up, and every moment I'm around him to slow down.

But I don't know if I'll ever risk opening my mouth. The idea of losing a friend is too hard.

What am I doing with my life? Is it really going to matter? I want to travel and see everything. I want to run and be free.

But I also want love and security. Somewhere--and someone--to call home.

I look at him, and inside my whole world lights up.

You know the scene in 500 Days of Summer where you see expectations and reality playing at the same time? In my head, that is all I can see.

Oh lawd. Sometimes I'm a really really big dork. Like when the Librarian has to kick me out of the library ten minutes after it closes. Which meant that I was at the library until 12:10. AM. And guess where I am now? The library. Me <------ nerd.

I finished my theology paper around 2am. It makes me really happy. I think I'll write more someday, but for now, I'll just keep it where it is.

Okay, back to work. I neeeeeed to get things done before I leave for MD this weekend. I don't want to do anything at home except see people and have fun. I cannot wait! Two of my best friends get to meet each other! AND the boys might even come down for a day!

I am so thankful that God has sent me friends. People that don't judge me, but who also Believe. I haven't laughed so much in a long time. It's incredible how things work out when you just listen to Him.

Can I tell you how good I am at avoiding everything I need to do, all the time? Not just today or this week. Oh no. ALL THE THINGS. ALL THE TIME.

Today, however, was productive. After an evening of monumental epicness, I proceeded to stay up until 5 am doing homework. (I should note, that it was not I, but my uterus that decided to keep me up until that ungodly hour). Anyhow, I succeeded in waking up late. As in 15 minutes into my first class in which the paper I was writing was due. Alas, the paper still remains incomplete, even after seven pages of single spaced typing. What is my life. However, it is, quite possibly, the most fabulous thing I have ever written. EV.AR. And it isn't even complete. So, I decided to go to the bank (LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING ADULT), and deposit a check before heading over to campus. Upon arrival, my stomach began to grumble, so off to the Den I went. The food on campus isn't bad--and it is roughly half the price of Towson's gross food. I grabbed a bagel and cc, but when I got to the library, I discovered the cc was reduced fat. Gross.

I made it in time for my second class, which as progressively gotten less entertaining as the semester has dragged on. After class I ran upstairs to attend a Library Club meeting. Last week, it was decided that I would be president. Whatever that means. In my head, I just keep telling myself that it will look awesome on my resume. However, because I am el presidente, I had to get back on crackbook in order to make a Library Club page. This is what my life has been reduced to. But in all seriousness, it's kind of fun. I'm meeting more people on campus AND I'm getting involved. Take that, Dr. Crawford.

The rest of the day was spent in the library. If I calculated right, 10:50 am-6:35 p.m. is almost eight hours. Good lord, that's ridiculous. Then I had/wasincrediblylatefor class. Thankfully, it ended early, and I came home, only to get in a fight with Gram. What a wonderful, fulfilling day.

In case you couldn't tell, that last sentence was spewing sarcasm.

And now, here I am, doing more homework. Well, writing this in my short break, but ultimately doing more homework. By the time next Friday gets here, I might be completely dead.

At least I get to road trip it up with Britt AND see Chi this weekend! Worst possible timing ever, but that is pretty much the story of my life, isn't it.