I must not forget:

I'm torn between wanting to read my Bible and learning more about God --or finishing the two papers that are due today.

The more I learn about God, the less anything else matters. Only the things God asks of us. My brain is exploding with things and words and ideas, and I can't stop long enough to make coherent sense of anything.

God wants us to have relationships, so I suppose that matters, then. But what about everything else? work, school, THINGS. Too much focus on things, not enough on Him. And I suppose that is what it is like to be human. To hae faults. To not know what to focus on, and even when you learn more, to be torn. I'm not asking to be perfect, mind you. I'm definitely not asking to be God. But to know Him! And to know as much as I can about Him! I have never wanted to learn more in my life before! I have so many questions. So many. I feel like I'm bothering and annoying people by asking them.

I'm typing more quickly than normal, trying to get out everything in my head before it leaves. What is the point of me finishing school? I want to learn about Him! But I don't want to go to a Bible school, where I am forbidden from seeing things that ARE in life on earth. Yes, I understand it may be distracting, but if we are to reach out to Christians and non-Christians alike, then how do we reach them if we do not understand them?

Is this possibly why I have gone through so much in my life? divorce, child abuse, molestation, rape, cutting, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, being abandoned by my mom, divorce, drinking, smoking, drugs, porn, sex, eating disorders, wonderful yet awful relationships, finding that God exists, more hospitalizations, more sex, more alcohol, more pushing Him away and trying to hide from Him.

And then ending up here.

Oh dear God! I write it down, and it is a miracle I am even alive!

It is time, perhaps, that I stop asking questions and turning to others for the answers. It is time that I turned to You.